This transcript recounts Candid Conversations with Jonathan Youssef Episode 248: Parenting with Hope: Raising Teens for Christ in the Secular Age: Melissa Kruger.
[00:06] Jonathan: Well, today I have a repeat guest. It is Melissa Kruger. She is the vice president of discipleship programming at the Gospel Coalition. She is the author of multiple books, includingGrowing Together;Walking with God in the Season of Motherhood; and the popular children’s book,Wherever You Go, I Want You to Know, which we have gotten for our son, and then we’ve had his teachers write inscriptions each year, whoever his teacher is. And I think you have a special book that allows for that.
Her husband Mike, who has also been on the podcast, is the president of Reformed Theological Seminary. And they and their three children are in Charlotte, North Carolina. Melissa, thank you so much for coming back ontoCandid Conversations.
[00:52] Melissa: Great! Thanks for having me back.
[00:54] Jonathan: Okay, you’ve got a new book out called Parenting with Hope: Raising Teens for Christ in the Secular Age. Now, I imagine this book is flying off the shelves, and you’ve probably shattered sales records.
[01:12] Melissa: I don’t think so, right?
[01:14] Jonathan: It should. I think this is something the church hears a lot about and it’s always so helpful to have books that are written from a helpful, biblical perspective and giving people the foundations and the equipping and the reminders that we can often forget.
So tell us a little bit about the journey onParenting With Hope. What got the start of the book?
[01:48] Melissa: I was approached by a publisher who had read my book,Walking with God in the Season of Motherhood, and they said, “We’d really like you to take some of these principles and apply it to parenting teens. And we want it trade book form,Walking with God in the Season of Motherhood, is a Bible study for women, I wrote that one for a friend, for her baby shower. It wasn’t intended for publishing; I was writing it for her.
So this one really they came with the question and I was very unsure of myself. I’ve raised three teenagers, and so it was kind of that, ooh, and I was just out of the season. But what I realized when I didWalking with God in the Season of Motherhood, I couldn’t write that book now, I think, because I’m not in that moment. The teen years are very fresh to me. I saw tons. I still have one teenager, she’s 17. I have a 17-year-old, a 20-year-old, and a 23-year-old and so still it’s fresh to me.
But I also realized no one’s sixty who can write about what they did about cell phones because they didn’t exist. They can’t talk about what did they do with social media. They can’t talk about some of these sports and activities because it was totally different twenty years ago. And so I realized, okay, it’s probably a good thing to have someone fresh on the season.
And I also realized, the second thing, I was a high school math teacher in I always say my other life, and so I had taken a lot of teen development classes. And I realized this really did help me in the parenting of teens, like there’s a lot of common grace insights by people who have studied just what works and what doesn’t, and I’ve realized I had those things in my back pocket. And we do that a lot with young children, we read all the developmental milestones, we know what your 2-year-old should be doing, what your 3-year-old should be doing. When’s the last time you read a developmental milestone about your 9-year-old or your 10-year-old? And we stop being learners of what kids are able to do and what they should be doing and so I wanted to put some of that in the book as well.
[04:15] Jonathan: Okay, so I love how you break down the book. So it’s broken down into three parts. You give the basics, which you call “The Foundations of a Christian Home”; The Battle: Fighting for the Better Portion”; which we’ll get into that. And then “The Blessing: Cultivating a Home Where Teens Thrive.” Talks us through a little bit of the Part 1.
[04:44] Melissa: I might come off as, well, we all know this, right?
[04:48] Jonathan: Right. If you’re in the church, you should know and understand that. But—
[04:51] Melissa: Exactly. Exactly. And in a lot of ways this is being a Christian 101. But I remind parents of it because I think sometimes we get so bogged down with all the things we’re not doing as parents that I want to remind them the most important thing you do as a human is be in God’s Word, be in prayer, and be in the church. Doing that is going to already set you ahead of parents all around the world. I mean, that is such a gift to your child to be a parent who is regularly in-taking from the Bible.
Why? Because the Bible is not just another book on the shelf; it’s actually divine wisdom. We have the ability to tap into divine wisdom. And then secondly we have not just divine wisdom, we have divine help because we can call on God to do what we cannot do, we cannot save our child, we cannot change our child. We cannot make them do really much of anything, but God can work in ways that we can’t understand.
And then the community of the church is just something that, I mean, I think we’re seeing with the epidemic of teen loneliness and anxiety and isolation, all these things. The church is this institution that, guess what, it answers that. It’s this welcoming place where you have 80-year-olds and you have 8-year-olds. And so I don’t think we can talk about parenting without talking about what’s the foundation of our hope. It’s actually that God’s Word is true, and living in light of God’s Word is hopeful, and we’re not left alone on the journey. So that’s the Battle. The battle really talks about our battles. And again, this is a book about being the parent of a teen. It’s not a book about how to make your teen perfect. If that book exists, that’s the—
[06:54] Jonathan: If it does, you should burn it.
[06:56] Melissa: Yeah, that’s the Holy Spirit’s job is to change us and make us different. And so the second part is the battle, I think we often think is sex, drugs, rock and roll or some other things we’re trying to prevent our teen from. I would say it’s actually good things robbing us of the best things. The battle is with our own idolatry. As parents, we are all coming into this game with hopes and dreams for our kids, and sometimes those dreams turn idolatrous. I focus on scholarship and achievement, on sports and activities, and then on social acceptance. I think those are the cultural idols we have in the West that are pressing upon us as parents, and we have to battle about all of those.
[07:38] Jonathan: And that’s what I love about the book is that it’s not prescriptions, right? When people are struggling with their kids, what do they want? Just tell me what to do so that this will stop or so I can take this away, right? And I think the way that your book is written is that it’s not about if you do A, B will happen. Now, there’s a little bit of element of that because you just mentioned the foundations earlier, which is, well, you really need to be doing these practices, but you don’t necessarily think, oh, being in church and being in the Word and being in prayer, you don’t necessarily feel the direct correlation to your parenting, but it is there.
I have friends who have raised their kids the exact same way and one rebels and the other one is a blessing to their family. And then it’s like, what did we do wrong? Your husband was speaking yesterday about the paradox of God is sovereign over all things, and yet we’re still called to be good parents. And so there’s that. We don’t fully understand the mystery of that, but we know what we’re called to, and so we have to walk it out.
[09:14] Melissa: That’s right. As a parent, I am called to fight my idolatry. I’m actually not called to control my child. And so often what you see if we go into control mode when we’re fearful, and the Bible says trust and obey. And I would say obey and trust. And so you follow God’s call and then you trust. You trust that you’re doing everything you can to walk in a manner worthy of the gospel in front of the Lord and in front of your kids, and then you have to trust.
And you will only have the ability to trust if you’re building on the foundation. So this is where it always goes back to that foundation. And I’m talking about how to be a human, honestly. I mean, if you want to know how to succeed in your place of work, oh, you need the Word, you need prayer, you need the church. If you want to know how to be single in the life of the church, you need the Word, you need prayer, you need the church. But I think I say it again and again because it’s Psalm 1. Yeah, I mean, “Blessed is the man who doesn’t like in … who doesn’t sit …” all that stuff. Oh, what does he do? “His delight is in the law of the Lord, and on it he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by a stream. Whatever he does prospers.” This is wisdom for life. And so I definitely think we have to start there, and then we have to be battling our own idols.
And then the last section on the blessing is how do we create homes of acceptance, availability, and affection? Those words have to be in our world today. Acceptance does not mean an acceptance of sin, but it means an acceptance of who they are. And what I mean by that is we see a lot of curated children. And what I mean by that is parents trying to make the perfect child who plays the sport, who plays the instrument, who has an amazing GPA, who gets into the Ivy Leagues and all this stuff because that’s a representation of me is what we’re really trying to do.
[11:12] Jonathan: Right. It’s a reflection, yeah.
[11:13] Melissa: So rather than saying, you know, my kid’s not that great at school, but I can teach hard work. Even if they’re not going to be a lawyer or a doctor, that’s okay. And so that’s what I mean by acceptance, accepting who the Lord is creating them to be and letting that glorify Him, whatever it might be.
[11:33] Jonathan: Yeah, there’s a lot of this element of caught versus taught, right? So especially as you think about the idolatry and what you prioritize in your life, your kids are by default looking at you, watching you. You’re one of the greatest sources of influence on them, and so they are going to model themselves after what mom and dad prioritize. And the funny thing is that when parents look down the track they say, “Why are they like this?” And it’s like, sometimes it’s a little bit of look in the mirror. You know, what were they catching, even if you were teaching in a different trajectory and direction.
Okay, so acceptance. What about availability?
[12:17] Melissa: Yeah. I talk about this. I say you want to be available but you want to understand your limitations. Look, I mean, parents cannot be at everything. And I actually believe it’s helpful for our kids to know that they are not the center of our universe. They do not have the gravitational weight to bear us, I like to say. Like the Earth cannot support the Sun revolving around it, it was never intended to, we are not created to revolve around our children. We are created to revolve around God, and we are helping them do the same.
And kids who grow up in a home where the parent is rooted and grounded in the Lord, that takes an amazing burden off of them. You’ve heard the phrase “You’re only as happy as your least happy child.” I think that is like poor least-happy child. No. My contentment and joy, where are they supposed to come from? They’re supposed to be rooted in the Lord. Why are we supposed to be content with what we have? Because He has said, “Never will I leave or forsake you.” That’s where our contentment rests. And we have to be people fighting for that as parents, to free our kids up from our own maybe tendency to put our hopes and dreams in them.
[13:36] Jonathan: And then affection. A home of warmth.
[13:39] Melissa: I read an article somewhere recently. I can’t remember where it was; it was in the secular paper, and they said, really what you do as a parent doesn’t matter, but if you love them, that makes a difference. And I was kind of like, huh. That’s really interesting because I do think there’s a lot to that. I think, you know, it’s a little bit empty because I think love—
[14:03] Jonathan: Well, one’s usually reflected in the other, right?
[14:05] Melissa: Yeah. Exactly. And you need truth to guide what love is, so there’s that. But I did once hear—this was on theOprah Winfrey Show a million years ago when that show was still on—she was interviewing I believe it was Toni Morrisson. And Toni Morrisson said one thing she had learned when a child walks into the room, she said, light up when that child walks in the room. And she said what kids tend to get when you walk into the room is your critical gaze. They tend to get, huh, your shirt’s not tucked in. Hey, make sure you’re getting ready for this.
And this gets even worse in the teen years, because look, they’re cute when they’re walking in at two, so you might light up just because they’re so cute.
[14:50] Jonathan: It’s worn off, yeah.
[14:52] Melissa: Yeah, when they’re walking in pimply and smelly and dirty, and they haven’t showered in a week, you still need to light up when they walk. And I think there’s something about that that will translate for the rest of their lives. That they know “I am deeply loved.” Light up even when they’ve done something wrong. Our correction should not be coldness. Our correction can still be full of warmth.
And so we want to light up when these people walk in the room because they’re made in the image of God. They have been given to us for this time to raise, and so we want to shower them with affection. And there can be wrong views of affection like trying to buy them. There are wrong ways. But I’m just talking about genuine love and interest in a person; that’s always going to be a great basis for a child to go into the world with.
[15:42] Jonathan: Okay, let’s talk a little bit about how the gospel shapes our approach in parenting. What are the biblical principles that should guide us as we’re raising children?
[15:58] Melissa: The first is that I’m the oldest sinner in the room usually, so I’m expecting my 12-year-old to have their whole act together at twelve. Wow, that’s pretty ungracious of me, right, because here I am at fifty and I don’t have my act together. And so I think that one of the ways that parents can lead is to be the first to apologize. I always say my response is my responsibility. And so if I—let’s say a kid’s done something wrong, but I manage their wrongness by yelling and losing my temper and being impatient and unkind, I’ve got to own that. That’s on me. I can still hold them to a standard while holding myself to a standard, and so we have to do that.
And so I say one way grace-based homes begin is by being the chief apologizer in your home. Own it. And you know what? The kids will learn. They will learn from that and they will be able to give good apologies in their life. And you will benefit from it. I’ve had all of my kids come to me and be like, “Hey, I’m sorry I acted that way about that.” They did it on their own accord. I think it just became the conversation of the household that was safe to do. It was going to be met with love; it wasn’t going to be met with the silent treatment, all of those things.
And so I think a home with grace is going to be a home with apologies. It’s going to be a home that accepts that failure is going to happen. I mean, the Lord’s Prayer presupposes, “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,” so there’s going to be sin. We’re living flesh on flesh in these homes. And so it presupposes that we’re going to need grace, but it also presupposes that there is a standard. So we do not lower standards. We keep the standards, but we offer correction when the standards has not been kept, and we offer love and grace in those moments as well.
[17:57] Jonathan: Well, and it’s a requirement of being a disciple of Jesus is being a forgiver. And yeah, why not start at home—not just forgiving, but asking for forgiveness. And I think you’re right, it sets the tone for the family. But I think we can get caught up in, well, I’m the parent and I’ve got to be the one in control and in charge and I’m just giving directives to the little ones. It’s hard, right? I mean, it’s hard to admit to a little child that you’ve wronged them. Because you just want to say, who are you? Who are you to hold me accountable? But it’s the Lord’s holding us accountable.
Let’s elaborate a little bit on principles of prescriptions. We’ve talked a little bit about that, but as that relates to parenting.
[18:52] Melissa: Yeah. I definitely think your principles in parenting can stay very much the same as kids go from two to twenty, meaning certain principles like, oh, my child is a sinner in need of grace. That’s a principle. My child’s a sinner and needs correction. That’s a principle. Now, how I go about the practice of that correction is going to change greatly when they’re two from when they’re twelve, and if we don’t make those changes, we’re going to find ourselves with very frustrated teenagers.
And so one example I like to say is when your 2-year-old makes a mistake, normally you need to offer correction right away, so if they do something wrong, they need it immediately because they’re not going to remember tomorrow what you’re talking about.
[19:36] Jonathan: That’s right exactly.
[19:37] Melissa: They’re in a different little universe where every moment is a new moment. Whereas with your 12-year-old, when they come in hot, and you know we all see 12-year-olds come in hot, they’re slamming doors, they’re in a mood, their hormones are going whatever. Right then is probably actually not the best time to offer correction or even confront them with, hey, you were really rude to me.
I like to say if my friend came in and slammed the door my first question would not be like, “Hey, that’s disrespectful to me.” My first question would be, “Hey, how are you doing? Is everything okay?” Or if my husband came in. Like I’d ask a question. And I think our teens need that from us. They need us to live with them in an understanding way, and often we’re real caught up in our pride and how we deserve to be talked to. And that’s just very us-centered versus, “Hey, is everything okay?”
And maybe even to just say, later in the day, like 6:00 PM, 7:00 PM, when they’ve had some time to cool off, to go in and say, ‘Hey, you came in, you seemed upset today. Do you want to talk about it?” They may say yes, they may say no. And then later on, things will soften. They will soften to be able to say, “What would have been a good way to come in today?” That’s a better time to have that conversation. And it may even be the next week. That’s a better way to have that conversation than right away.
So I think we had immediate kind of discipline when they were young, and it’s really about applying wisdom to how and what we’re going to correct. Thankfully, we do not have someone following us around all day correcting every little thing we do. I think sometimes parents of teens think, I’ve got four years left. I’ve got to get this kid all sorted.
[21:20] Jonathan: To be ready for the world.
[21:21] Melissa: You don’t. If you saw my teen’s bedroom, you’d be like, “Wow, she’s a terrible parent. They are a complete and utter wreck.” And I just chose that was a battle I wasn’t going to fight. But certain things, I wanted them to be truthful with me, I wanted them to have character, I wanted us to be able to have conversations. And if that meant I had to deal with messy floors, I was going to deal with messy floors on there. And they are. They lived up to that low expectation.
[21:48] Jonathan: I’m sure they love hearing that. So you’ve introduced a topic that I wanted us
